The Runner

We have to thank CCTV for this gem of a story as without it I think I would still be wandering the corridors looking for this woman. This is still one of those stories that I roll out on the semi-regular and I still find it hilarious and baffling in equal measure.

We once employed an admin lady primarily because she was well turned out and her mother had cancer so she had relocated to help care for her. My boss was a sucker for a sob story so she was hired based mainly on that but her credentials were ok.

She started on a Monday, seemed to be nice and appeared to be getting on ok. I had a few chats with her and found her to be pleasant and although we didn’t work together I found her to be an alright work companion (certainly better company than Liam.) The only teeny tiny little doubt in my mind about her was that she did have BO; but I thought that was maybe because of the stress, being a stress sweater myself I was prepared to give her the benefit of the doubt and hoped that her personal hygiene would improve. Her second day came and went and she embarked on her 3rd day with no cause for concern or worry – the BO was still present but it was still early days and I presumed she was still quite stressed at having started a new job.

At about 11am on that 3rd day I remember her getting up – let’s call her Joanne. So Joanne gets up and goes to the loo and it’s only when half an hour later she hasn’t returned that I thought to mention to someone that I didn’t know where she was. After a quick scout of the loo’s and corridors we conceded that she must have slipped out for an early lunch and we would have to have a word with her about telling people when you leave the office when she returned. Around 1.5 hours pass and still no sign so we have another more detailed search for her around the office just in case she has fallen over and hit her head on an overhanging pallet. No luck. She is neither in a coma on the floor of the warehouse or laying face down in vomit in the loo, for some reason those were the only 2 options in my head at the time. 

So we call her, straight to voicemail, we leave a message, another hour passes. We call again with the same result. Another hour passes and it becomes clear to us that Joanne is not coming back. This was pretty obvious several hours previously but I think we were in denial that someone would just disappear on their 3rd day of work although equally not surprising given how shit it was to work there. At this point we remembered that we have CCTV so we decide to take a look and see if we can shed any light on her sudden departure. I don’t know what I was expecting to see other than her simple standing up and walking out, perhaps I was thinking we might see her answer a phone call and then rush out of the door never to be seen again. Or maybe she would get up and go to the loo then come out of the loo clutching some dirty underwear having shat herself with the joys of working somewhere so amazing and on not being able to find a bin she just decided it was too much for her and left, dirty undercrackers and all. I don’t know what I was expecting but it wasn’t this….

Joanne vacates her desk as I saw and goes to the loo (as I suspected she has shat herself) She then comes out of the loo (alas no dirty pants damn it) and appears to be hiding – yes hiding – behind a stationary cupboard that is situated just by the front door. The sight of a grown woman crouched behind a cupboard in the middle of the working day is quite a sight to behold let me tell you.

Just to describe the scene; there is actually a little window that is in front of my desk and that window looks out into the porch so if she had walked out of the front door I would have seen her. So to avoid this once confident she can leave the safety of her crouched position she crawls, yes CRAWLS, out from the stationary cupboard and then commando crawls under the lip of the window so that I can’t see her. Again if you haven’t seen a full grown woman commando crawl out of an office in the middle of the day have you even lived? Now if you can imagine I am facing this window and there is actually another window to my left that goes out into the car park and she now has to get clear of this. Window 1 down she has about a foots width of wall from which to hide behind between the two windows and she is stuck here for a few moments. Presumably at this point she is contemplating how her life came to this very moment that she is crawling out of a job she has been in for 2.5 days. Assuming that she does not want to dirty her clothes by rolling in the gravel, she then proceeds to duck and dive around all the cars until she is clear of my potential vision and then we see her straighten up and run for the hills.

The best part of this image for me is the fact that as she is running her handbag is flapping behind her in the breeze this image is one I will always remember as Joanne pelts out of the industrial estate with her leather handbag trailing in her wake. And fair play to her she played an absolute blinder giving me the slip like that and I pride myself in being a bit of a curtain twitcher so I would have been subconsciously looking out of my peripheral vision at all times.

We did try to call her and ask why she had fled but she didn’t reply and then a few days later she sent an email asking us to pay her for the 2 days (the cheek of it.) and saying she had to leave but didn’t tell us why. I do sometimes wonder if it was something I did but no one has ever crawled in the dirt to get away from me in the office since so I have to assume it was her issue and not mine. She also went through a phase about 3 years after this happened of prank calling me at 2am when of course my phone was on silent but I would wake up to ‘Missed Call from Joanne The Runner’. I then looked her up on LinkedIn and on seeing that I had viewed her profile she then sent me a threatening message that she would report me for stalking. Poor thing was obviously unhinged and we had a lucky escape as I don’t think we could have handled two unhinged people in the same office.

Needless to say I will never forget Joanne – the woman who would literally rather roll on the floor and run in high heels than stay working at that company for a moment longer. I hope she found somewhere that made her sweat less and perhaps a shop where she could purchase some Sure and shower gel.