Things No One Tells You About Working an ‘Office’ Job (including WFH)

Number 1 – No matter how physically fit you are or how well you set up your work station you will realise halfway through your career (or maybe even sooner if you are like me and were stressed AF for most of your 20’s) that you have the posture of Quasimodo. You will then spend the rest of your 30’s or 40’s paying out for chiropractors and massage therapists to straighten your spine that has been wisened from years of hunching over a screen shouting ‘why why why why why’ repeatedly to no one but yourself. In my opinion lunchtime yoga should be mandatory in all offices, and everyone should get a massage voucher once a month.

This man below is a prime candidate for spending thousands on chiropractors in 5 years time when he realises his back still looks like that when he stands up.

Number 2 – Absolutely no one sits like this to work (see below) if you are sitting like this to work you are doing so purely for the romantic photo opp of ‘ look at me i’m a big boss bitch who gets to work from the floor if I want to with a beetroot latte next to me and a sugar free muffin that contains 6 of my 5 a day.’ The reality of this photo is this:

Her back hurts, her arse hurts, she can’t see her screen because the lighting isn’t right, the cat has just stuck its bum in her beetroot latte, and that angle is very unflattering for her double chin and jowl lines if someone calls her on Teams. Not to mention the fact that sitting on the floor like that would mean she is seeing all the bits the hoover didn’t pick up when she ran it around last night. If you think working from home or being your own boss looks like this think again because the reality is your sat at a kitchen table in the middle of your kids dippy egg and soldier detritus trying to stop the cat putting it’s arse on your keyboard while trying not to look at how dirty your kitchen floor is.

Number 3 – 99% of the time you will be in close proximity to someone that you cannot stand. I say 99% because where I work right now I actually don’t work with any dickheads but I am living in a constant state of fear that as the company grows we are getting ever closer to hiring said dickhead.

Number 4 – You will take on personality traits of the people near to you. There is no avoiding it i’m afraid so choose wisely who you sit near and who you choose to eat your lunch with. There is a weird kind of osmosis that happens in a shared office environment where peoples personalities mix and merge. This can be a really good thing – I once sat next to a body builder and before I knew it I was squatting my body weight in the gym – or it can be the opposite if you sit next to KFC’s best customer.

Number 5 – At some stage you will spend a whole day working on something only to find you haven’t saved your progress and you will lose everything. This is likely to happen several times in your career but if it hasn’t be extra vigilent although know you are only delaying the inevitable.

Number 6 – At some point you will develop either an unhealthy crush or a full on love obsession with a colleague, again it’s the osmosis thing. I think being in close proximity to people mixes hormones together and boom you’re in love with the balding accountant who still writes with a pencil. I am saying this as someone who had a 5 year relationship with someone from my first job and then married someone from my 3rd job (still married FYI) I also met my husband whilst working at my first job and in relationship with the other one although no crossover occurred despite my ex’s statements to the contrary. Whilst dipping your nip in the office ink can end in disaster it is always a great way to meet someone so proceed in the office romance with caution but proceed none the less. (unless you are married or in a long term relationship in which case quit your job or quit your marriage.)

Number 7 – There is always someone in every office that has BO. If you don’t think there is then it is you.

Number 8 – As above but read ‘Smug Twat’ instead of BO. If you are lucky the smug twat will also have BO and then you will only have one to deal with.

Number 9 – At some point you will shit yourself at work. if you haven’t yet then pack spare pants as your days are numbered. Shitting yourself whilst driving home or to work also counts.