How to Poo at Work – the essential guide for the conscientious crapper

Small Office Edition

This is an essential survival guide for anyone who works in a small office where the toilet opens directly into the room. And more so if you happen to have some poor bastard who actually sits behind the bog with nothing but a few sheets of B&Q’s finest plywood between you.

Step 1 – Wait until the poo is 100% ready and if possible do some pre-push’s at your desk to avoid a long bathroom visit. If wearing headphone try to make sure the pre-push isn’t audible as you may get some funny looks.

Step 2 – Once the poo is ready to go offer your colleagues a cup of tea and fill the kettle as much as poss. The sound of the kettle will then help disguise any big noises from your arse.

Step 3 – VIPoo all the way. Get one of those bottles and stash it in the loo it’s a nose saver. If VIPoo ever want to sponsor this blog I am also up for that.

Step 4 – Line the bowl with loo roll or if you are really paranoid of a splash drop a big bit of loo roll down the pan ‘just’ ahead of your poo hitting the deck.

Step 5 – Optimize your wipe. You don’t want to take too long so those wipes need to count, make it a firm large surface area wipe and flush after a couple of goes. This not only gets rid quick just in case the VIPoo let’s out some stink, but it also gives the illusion of a wee. Then carry on wiping. Proceed to step 6.

Step 6 – Blow your nose – loudly. This way you can flush again and people will think you are flushing your nose tissue. Because hygiene.

Step 7 – Clatter the bin as then if you’ve been ages people will think you have your period. Being in an office full of blokes I prefer them to think I am always on the blob to always shitting as I find it keeps them on their toes.

Step 8 – Don’t forget to follow up and make the tea otherwise they will get suspicious.

Step 9 – Never pass up an opportunity to take a shit when the office is empty. If you don’t need one, just try. Take a book and get comfy.

Step 10 – If for any reason one of the above steps doesn’t work or you let out a little pre poo splutter. DO NOT MENTION IT. Come out that door with your head held high and pretend it never happened. If you believe it enough then everyone else will.