I thought I was going to be a lawyer……..

I thought I was going to be a lawyer. Actually that’s a lie at one point I am pretty sure I wanted to be a pilot (decided whilst sat on my first flight to Fuerteventura) but all through secondary school I was sure a career in law was what I was destined for. I remember sitting opposite our careers advisor in year 11 – Mrs Taylor I think she was called and she filled my head with dreams of Oxford or Cambridge and I was certain I was destinated for academic greatness. 

Well Mrs Taylor I sure showed you as I left college after 3 months and haven’t got more than some standard issue GCSE’s to my name so obviously you were not as good at career advice as you thought. 

I started my career as an Office Bitch at just 17 when I got a job fresh from dropping out of college at a lovely little techy company – this was back in 2006 so ‘tech’ basically meant anything with a plug, it wasn’t exactly Google or Meta but I liked it. Plus my Dad worked in the service department and I couldn’t drive so I got a lift in each day. I took home exactly £1000 after tax each month and honestly I thought I was rich.

I was the receptionist and if I do say so myself I absolutely smashed it and would get daily compliments on my work and ability to manage a switchboard like a motherfucking P.I.M.P. One of the big wig bosses who sat at a huge mahogany desk with 4 fish tanks in his office actually wanted to take me to Trinidad with him but I think that was less to do with my excellent office prowess and more to do with my 17 year old arse in skinny black office trousers. I absolutely loved that job but I didn’t last long as they promoted me within a year and I started a career in telesales. A victim of my own success really as I would have happily sat on that reception desk forever if i wasn’t such a wasted talent. I like to think Mrs Taylor would have been proud of my ability to sweet talk an IT Manager into letting my sweaty northern sales colleague come in and demo the latest in projectors and whiteboards to him in a classroom that smelt of farts and impulse.

I worked in Telesales for about 5 years and then that’s when I really hit the big time by landing myself a job for a pump company as the Business Administrator which actually meant Business ‘Do-everything-from-making-the-MD-tea-to-paying-millions-of-dollars-worth-of-invoices-each-week’ Dog’s Body. I loved that job too as I literally got to do everything and it also gave me over a decades worth of materiel to write this blog. 

So settle in; here are my memoirs.

Most names have been changed so as to preserve their dignity although as you will discover a lot of them don’t deserve it or indeed had any dignity to begin with!